Cleveland, Ohio - The Republican National Convention got off on a solemn start by opening the convention with a touching tribute to Officer Timothy Loehmann, the victim of the Tamir Rice shooting, following the homage the crowd was soon warmed up by Melania Trump who spoke about the importance of integrity and keeping it real. FauxNews has sat down with Mrs. Trump for an exclusive interview to discuss the opening night's speech.
FauxNews: Thanks so much for being part of this interview. On the first night of the Republican National Convention, you gave such an inspired speech and it has captivated the world. Can you elaborate on how you crafted your message?
Melania Trump: The speech was a collaborated effort, while the majority of the work was based on my own feelings of how I imagine it would be to grow up poor and desolate, I had an amazing partner with Sean Combs helping to tweak, or as he likes to say, 'Twerk' the speech to make the message connect with the youth of today.
FN: It's pretty amazing you got Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs to help polish up the speech. However, there have been talks of you plagiarizing Mrs. Obama's 2008 speech. How do you want to respond to that?
MT: It's silly and completely unfounded. I didn't plagiarize Michelle Obama's speech. If anything, we remixed her speech and made it even hotter. The genius, and I don't use that word lightly, of Puff Daddy is that he's able to take popular songs from a decade or two ago and make them slightly more popular. Rap does it all the time, that's what we did. There's no plagiarizing there. If anything, I should be thanked for making Michelle Obama relevant again.
FN: You mentioned rap being an inspiration for your lifted lines, do you have a favorite hip-hop artist?
MT: Well, I am huge fan of Iggy Azalea. Her integrity to the genre is without question. She's the realest.
FN: Your husband has been accused of creating an environment that his hostile to minorities. Do you have any plans to do minority outreach?
MT: First, Donald and I love those people. We love appropriating their culture and honestly I personally believe C. Thomas Howell should have received an academy award for his performance in Soul Man. When Donald gets elected, we are definitely going to have a minority outreach program the likes of which have never been seen before. Omarosa will be our czar of race relations. It's time we make America great again!
FN: Thank you for your time.
Pentagon: Air Force officials have introduced new policies to combat the growing trend of sexual assaults among service members. As part of the initiative to reduce and prevent assault on its members the Air Force has introduced a new combat uniform for women that is designed to protect them from their male counterparts. The new uniform, Battledress Uniform Rape eQuipment Application or B.U.R.Q.A, has a protective face covering to help men control their lust.
Furthermore, a strongly worded letter of reprimand will be issued to any perpetrator found guilty, after a lengthy and arduous procedure to ascertain the credibility of the accuser. Moreover, no longer will email be used to share inappropriate jokes larger than 5 MB.
Pentagon spokesman Major Conor Toole added that the changes to Air Force policy, "gets us in line with the rest of the DoD. It's important we create a safe environment for all of our members. If a member feels as if they were sexually assaulted, we will provide resources for counseling and separate the accuser from their section." Major Toole also stressed the importance of remembering that there are always two sides to every story and that if the victim's recollection isn't 100% accurate she's probably a "gold digging bitch".
Not all members are on board with the changes. Hotshot Reaper combat fighter pilot, Captain Hunter "Roofie" Jaeger was critical of the new policy. Smith commented that, "The military doesn't have a date rape problem. They have a consent definition problem. A few years ago, consent was automatically given if she let you pay for her drinks or buy her dinner. Now we have to get her to say yes, while she's sober and she can change her mind at any time? Leave it to some shoe bureaucrat to add needless red tape to dating. Just because me and my bros fly drones, doesn't mean we are drones.
FN: Thank you for your time.
Fox News spokeswoman, Stacey Dash, has once again waded into the controversial topic of race in America. The unapologetic award nominated actress made a stop to the Fox News morning program, Fox and Friends, were cohost Steve Doocy asked her to turnaround and drop it like it’s hot before giving Ms. Dash a chance to opine on the continued shootings of unarmed black males across America. After a spirited tap dance across the stage, Ms. Dash then stated that "much like being gay, being black is like totally a choice." Ms. Dash further added that she had no fear of being shot since she turned in her black card years ago. Fox and Friends' other cohost, Brian Kilmeade, then asked if she would still be allowed to drink Kool-Aid right before the segment went to commercial.
In a surprise move by the Holy Creator, God has sent a flood to wipe clean the wickedness of Houston for defeating a law last year designed to prevent discrimination against the transgender community.
Various business were affected by the floods, delaying flights and shuttering businesses across the city. The unrelenting deluge from the almighty caught proponents of the legislation by surprise. Anti-Trans spokesman Chuck Clouser expressed his dismay by angrily asking "Who knew God was such a liberal?"
Following the recent death of boxing icon, Muhammad Ali, there has been an outpouring of condolences across the global. However, not everyone is mourning his passing. At a recent political rally in support of Donald Trump, Sara Palin launched into a blistering attack against Ali and his statements prior to his passing criticizing Donald Trump's stance against Muslims. After being warmly received by the crowd, Ms. Palin warned the crowd of hero worshiping the "anti-American socialist and who needed to go back to where he came from".
Chanhassen, Minnesota - Autopsy results for Prince recently released showed the superstar's last meal consisted of nectar and ambrosia, confirming his godlike prowess on the axe. In addition, his blood test showed elevated levels of funk, soul and pancakes. While the Purple Rain star has been dead for over a month, his untimely passing still has captured the attention of the world.
Due to the near universal support President Obama has received for supplanting Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman, the President made an announcement today that he will be signing an executive order to replace Jesus on the cross with Oprah Winfrey. While this executive order does not go into effect until December 2016, retailers Amazon and Walmart have already begun to implement the change. Southern conservatives found themselves in an awkward quandary as their initial argument about the separation between Church and State threatened to undo years of ideology. When asked for comment on how she felt about her new position, Mrs. Winfrey stated; "Jesus was a wonderful man, but my market share is already three times larger than his ever was." Presumptive republican nominee, Donald Trump, was quick to tweet, "Another example of political correctness run amok. I should be the one on that cross! #MakeJesusGreatAgain"
While most filmmakers would shy away from the difficult task of remaking any movie, one cannot help but be in awe of Bryan Singer's moxie for attempting to remake Batman V Superman so soon after its release. Singer's 'Magnus' opus cleverly titled 'X-Men: Apocalypse' is just one of the handful of minor changes in his brilliant, almost note for note remake. Esoteric exposition? Check! Reserved acting (that uncouth reviewers would describe as wooden)? Double check! Hero fighting hero, dream sequences and a super hero cameo that's much too short? Check again!
The magic begins with a scene in ancient Egypt where the godlike villain enters a pyramid of his implied creation. This is an important plot point since it furthers the narrative that brown people from Africa, without any western education, could not possibly have built the pyramids and establishes the villain as a being of immense, albeit ambiguous, powers.
Because heroes fighting villains is passé, we are treated to an orgasmic display of hero on hero action. The first battle we see is emo Nightcrawler versus hillbilly Angel. It's refreshing to see such an astute filmmaker visually capture millennial angst in a metaphorical battle of the soul. This may be the closes we get to seeing Catcher in The Rye on the silver screen. In this remake, Wonder Woman's role is played to perfection by Evan Peters. You almost wish the movie was entirely about this character instead of watching Apocalypse/Lex Luthor rant incoherently. At the end, like all good superhero movies, this one leaves you breathlessly waiting for the next comic book adaptation due out in a month.
Because this movie is hot and heavy on the action, thin on dialogue and plot, I give this movie XXX!
Bowman, North Dakota - During a campaign stop in the small town community of Bowman, North Dakota, Donald Trump's polished campaign had the rare slip-up during a rally. Mr. Trump's speech reiterated his positions on national security by discussing his plans for a registry for non-Americans and calling for a ban on Muslims from entering the United States. In addition, Mr. Trump insisted that Mexico would pay and build for a wall along the southern border. As the crowd began to chant his name, Mr. Trump closed his speech by shouting "Make America White Again" before existing the stage.
Most of the attendees appeared oblivious to this verbal faux pas. When asked if the comment would be problematic for the campaign, the head of the Trump campaign for Bowman, Erik Schmidt, said "This is a non-issue and one word doesn't make Donald a racist. We need to look at the totality of his speech today and not let one word detract from his message. Frankly, I find it ridiculous that I even have to comment on this."
When asked to comment, the Democratic National Council responding that they thought the slogan had always been "Make America White Again"