Date Rape Now Greatly Frowned Upon in Military


Pentagon: Air Force officials have introduced new policies to combat the growing trend of sexual assaults among service members. As part of the initiative to reduce and prevent assault on its members the Air Force has introduced a new combat uniform for women that is designed to protect them from their male counterparts. The new uniform, Battledress Uniform Rape eQuipment Application or B.U.R.Q.A, has a protective face covering to help men control their lust.


Furthermore, a strongly worded letter of reprimand will be issued to any perpetrator found guilty, after a lengthy and arduous procedure to ascertain the credibility of the accuser. Moreover, no longer will email be used to share inappropriate jokes larger than 5 MB.


Pentagon spokesman Major Conor Toole added that the changes to Air Force policy, "gets us in line with the rest of the DoD. It's important we create a safe environment for all of our members. If a member feels as if they were sexually assaulted, we will provide resources for counseling and separate the accuser from their section." Major Toole also stressed the importance of remembering that there are always two sides to every story and that if the victim's recollection isn't 100% accurate she's probably a "gold digging bitch".


Not all members are on board with the changes. Hotshot Reaper combat fighter pilot, Captain Hunter "Roofie" Jaeger was critical of the new policy. Jaeger commented that, "The military doesn't have a date rape problem. They have a consent definition problem. A few years ago, consent was automatically given if she let you pay for her drinks or buy her dinner. Now we have to get her to say yes, while she's sober and she can change her mind at any time?  Leave it to some shoe bureaucrat to add needless red tape to dating. Just because me and my bros fly drones, doesn't mean we are drones.